Your mother was right about first impressions being important, but they’re not always the ones you want to rely upon when it comes to working with another person. This is particularly true if you think that person is an idiot. You really don’t get a clear sense of what a colleague has to offer until you’ve given her or him a second and third look.

At first glance, what someone else may contribute may not seem as important as what you bring to the relationship. What he or she does have, however, is a unique interpretation of how the task should be accomplished. Something you couldn’t possibly know unless you invited him to share what it without fear of being judged wrong by you or anyone else.

In every relationship there will always be at least two expectations that need to be fully explored before either party takes any action. Your objective then is to focus on the source of the differing viewpoints and not to persuade the other person to change his way of thinking. After all you can’t change what another person thinks or feels about the task unless you first understand the basis for their thoughts and feelings.

It is important for both sides to understand how the other’s view was formed. A mutual exploration of individual expectations is an opportunity to clarify everyone’s position while gaining a better understanding of what each person anticipates will happen when the actual work begins.

When the other person meets your expectations, you’re left with good feelings about the relationship and the prospects of working with that person again. That fact was made clear on the surgery floor of a mid-size metropolitan hospital, where the nurses gathered around the bulletin board each morning as the surgery schedule was posted.

In addition to looking for room assignments, they were checking to see which surgeon had been assigned to their team, all the time making comments about which doctors they liked and which they didn’t. The nurses were very matter-of-fact about it: “Oh great, I’ve got Dr. Johnson—I like her. Oh no, not Dr. Walters again—I can’t stand him.”

At first their preferences seemed to be based on gender. When asked directly however, the nurses said they liked those doctors who made their expectations known before and throughout the operation—gender didn’t matter. Those doctors who kept the nurses informed created a sense of inclusion within the operation room. Thus involved, the nursing team could anticipate the needs of the surgeon and respond appropriately.

When similarly questioned, the surgeons who were “liked” also shared their personal likes and dislikes of certain nurses, and for much of the same reasons—once again there was no gender bias. When a nurse and a surgeon shared their expectations prior to and during the surgery, they were able to work together in harmony. They prepared for each operation with high expectations for their relationship, and more importantly, for their patients.