Rejection is a major factor of life. The hurt can last a life time. The fear of it may stifle your ambition and dimmish your hope for the future. So, you might ask, what’s the point of studying a subject that’s known to cause such pain and discomfort? 

The answer is that learning how to make rejection work for you rather than striving to avoid it will give you more control over your life. More importantly, by understanding the various causes and/or sources of rejection, you’ll discover the true meaning of the word “no.”

“No” is one of first words a child utters when learning to talk. It seems odd, but when you think about it “no” is also the word children hear most often from grownups. “No” is a powerful deterrent when spoken by anxious parents trying to keep their child from harm. Sadly, the feeling of being negated that results from this use of parental authority can stick in a child’s memory.

Even though most parents consider the use of “no” as a loving confrontation, it can also come across as rejection to the child. The result from many years of well-intended reprimands is a mental “no-no” list that continues to grow throughout childhood and beyond.

As the child matures and enters the education system, rejection takes new forms like failing a test, disappointing a teacher, losing a best friend, not making the team, being punished for violating a rule, being sent to the principal’s office: the list is endless.

Adolescents turn to their parents, teachers, and family elders seeking support and guidance. Sometimes they received encouragement and good advice. Other times they were criticized or punished for getting it wrong, which kept them from trying again.  

Curiosity is fundamental to learning but can be easily undermined by an angry glance or stern tone. Rejection can come in the form of what is said as well as how the message is delivered. It pays to be conscious of how you deliver corrective messages which can easily be misinterpreted.

Rejection continues after high school in the form of college admissions, hiring preferences and gender discrimination, racial bias, skin color, ethnicity, language, culture, body type, social status, inexperience, job loss: the list goes on.

Until you know the true reason for rejection you are speculating at your own risk. Handling rejection as a taking off point rather than terminal condition opens many opportunities.

Here are five conditions under which you are likely to be rejected including suggested responses:

1. The person has no need for what you offer or what you represent. That hurts, but it’s no big deal. There is nothing to be gained from a relationship with a disagreeable or negatively disposed person, so let it go and move on.

2. The person has misunderstood what you have to offer or what you represent. That hurts, but it’s no big deal. Ask for an opportunity to explain. Try to change his or her mind by providing new information or offering clarification.

3. The person has recognized a personal weakness or a flaw in what you offer. That hurts, but it’s no big deal. Acknowledge your shortcoming and agree to apply one or more of your other strengths to compensate.

4. The person has revealed something negative about you or what you offer that was previously unknown to you. That hurts, but it’s no big deal. Thank him or her for being honest. Acknowledge the fault and agree to try harder in the future.

5. The person has no clear idea of what he or she is looking for. That hurts, but it’s no big deal. So, you may feel rejected for a highly arbitrary decision and not even know it. There not much you can do about this situation, so let it go and move on.