Think about a time when your expectation wasn’t met, and you felt rejected. Say, for example, you applied for a job and were scheduled for an interview. If the interview went well your expectation was met, and you were pleased with yourself for making a good impression.

If it went badly, you probably experienced what psychologists call an “ego bruise” wherein you berate yourself with “shoulds” such as, “I should have been better prepared. I should have realized I’m not qualified.” My mother was right, I should have listened to her.

Those “should” messages keep coming until you realize the response was not your fault. The should then shifts to the potential employer. They should have stated their expectations more clearly. They should have given you more time to explain. They should give you another chance.

Matching an expectation to the desired response involves a progression of events that unfold in five stages. It is important to realize that situations, behaviors, and feelings will always have an effect on the response either positively in the form of acceptance or negatively in the form of rejection as depicted in the job interview story above.

Putting the five steps into practice empowers you to express your feelings about unmet expectations without discomfort. Knowing how each stage unfolds as shown in the model below will help you understand, and if necessary, change the expectation or alter the response, or both. It also helps to find the “why” behind the “no.”

Expectation. Declare your intentions in terms of what you’re willing and able to provide within the stated time frame and resource allocation. If you need to involve other people in the process, use the same terms to explain what you expect from them.

Situation. Something unexpected arises that could lead to an unsatisfactory response. The options at this point are to accept the conditions and continue, prepare for a different response, or modify your expectations and start again.

Behavior. Others expect you to know what they prefer. If the resulting response matches their expectations, they’ll be supportive and behave positively. If it doesn’t, they’ll reject the response and blame you for getting it wrong.

Feelings. When an expectation is matched with an appropriate response, you feel good about yourself. An inappropriate response leaves you feeling rejected. The sense of belonging and collaboration is replaced by feelings of disconnection and dissatisfaction.

Response. The ultimate goal is to match the response to the expectation. The secondary goal is to respond to those situations where an unmet expectation exists. The final goal is to either rectify unmet expectation or persuade the recipient(s) to accept an alternative response.

Changing Responses

Life’s expectations stem from childhood exposure to societal injunctions such as “don’t make promises you can’t keep” and “honesty is the best policy.” Growing up we expected people to know right from wrong and to do the right thing the right way for the right reason. We reached adulthood believing that we have the right to expect fair and equal treatment.

This is especially true for people who are easily discouraged when their efforts are rejected and/or their achievements aren’t recognized. As you gain confidence in your power to influence how others respond, your expectations will rise as well.